I’m back on my Akron bullshit! Some good head isn’t acceptable by itself…I just got that last Tuesday…
Its that time of the year again, temperature’s rising, cupcaking is increasing and hopefully for all my niggas on the stoop, the panties are droppin. Now, alot of you booed up niggas are probably scrambling, looking for gifts to make your significant other happy and me…well, i’m celebrating Singles Appreciation Day with my Number 1, Miss GG aka Grey Goose. Just me, GG, 808s and Heartbreaks…hopefully the depression of sipping on a depressant and listening to depressing music doesn’t cause a nigga to fall off the deep end and invite my gun, aka TD Jakes (cuz it brings you closer to God (c) Roy Wood Jr.) to the party…I kid, I kid. Keez has celebrated the Valentine’s holiday a time or two, and the holiday always disappointed a nigga from a gift standpoint. Back in the day it’d kinda go like this…Keez would plan a cupcaking extravaganza…dinner, flowers and if we’re havin unprotected sex some Penicillin for those inflammatory days, and guess what I’d get in return…that same, lukewarm pussy that I had for lunch yesterday, ain’t that about a bitch?
Ladies, until I get married, sex is not a damn reward/gift, its an expectation. Just because on Valentine’s day, you decide to mismatch the panties and bra to the tune of red/white or pink/white, whatever your preference, doesn’t mean that its an acceptable gift for. Historically, niggas put all of their bargaining chips on the table to get the same piece of ass they’ve been hittin for the past 15 years. Niggas go to Zales, attempting to buy the finest piece of jewelry they can afford, take wifey to the most exquisite restaurant in the land, and purchase a giftbag so that their old lady can cover up the same titties and ass you’ve been seeing since ’04…and for what? That same piece of ass? Fellas, take back control of your life, get back to the root of what matters, and thats self pleasure…if you’re always pleasing yourself, you won’t have to go to these great lengths to try to please a knucklehead broad who won’t let you hit just cuz you made her wash the dishes and pick ya mama up from the Greyhound station. Anytime a female tries to shadowbox with me when i’m tryna GTD, I politely ask to be excused for two minutes, ask where she keeps her good lotion, borrow her laptop, and i’ll proceed to hit up the bathroom to do my one, two. Ladies, if you don’t want to please a nigga sexually…I know one broad who always will…Rightina, and we’ve been makin these knucklebabies since ’97.
Now fellas, you’re like, Keez, I feel you my nig, but i’m settin myself up for an all out war with my old lady if I come to the crib emptyhanded. Meanwhile, yo ass is still recovering from that Christmas gift you bought her two months ago…yeah nigga, you went all out, got her those diamond earrings she’d been looking at and then had the audacity to buy her big ass mama a Wii Fit. And when she saw all you did, she thanked you…gave you a robe and some head, the same gift she got you last year, to show her gratitude. I tell women like my mama told me before Christmas time…if you don’t start actin right Cupid ain’t gone strike yo ass this year. Meaning, why reward a broad that is demonstrating lackluster behavior throught the course of the year? If you have a good woman, who’s down for you 100%, then you need to acknowledge her and treat her like a queen. Unfortunately, studies have shown that 89.9% of black women are uncooperative, lol. Fellas, if you’re dealing with a woman who’s idea of a quality dinner is Top Ramen; a good b-day present for her is some new Fruit of the Looms, cuz she’s tired of seein ur streaked up draws; who pointed you out in the line up when you accidentally took that Ipod off the shelf (you were gonna put it back)…then you reward that broad with the Valentine’s Day equivalent of coal in her stocking…either nothin, or the same bad D you’ve been giving her for the previous 364 days out the year.
Ladies are probably enlightened right now like…damn, so i’ve been giving this nigga the same sex he’s been having for the past three years, and he really doesn’t consider that a gift…thanks Keez. And I say, ‘You’re Welcome Boo’. Ladies, its time to step ya game up…instead of offering sex, how bout yo non-cookin ass take up some cooking classes for a Valentine’s Day present for ya man? Instead of criticizing that man for always leavin the crib to watch the game, why don’t you cook up a big dinner so that he and the homies can enjoy the game at the crib? How about inviting your cute homegirl who you kissed that one time into the bedroom. Or how about givin a nigga the gift that keeps on giving…some liquor. Ladies, its time to pull out the creativity that exists in your brains…If Martha Stewart’s ass is creative enough to make a doormat outta some Now n Laters and toothbrush bristles, then why can’t we get a better gift than some below average head?
And just for old time’s sake…