These Are My Confessions (c) Usher

So I have a confession to make…

confessions_hero

Well, one month and 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 days into the new year, a nigga broke down. For those of you who are new to the blog, I had this silly ass resolution where I really thought that I could go through four months of celibacy, and not just the no-sex having shit…nah, this includes no porn, jackin, or even extensive lotioning of the genitalia, none of that, and a nigga broke down on some Trey Songz this is the last time shit. I really don’t know what triggered it to be honest, but i’m glad it happened. I went out on Friday night with the fellas, had a decent time, didn’t really get my drinkability on, but I called it a night super early, cuz I was just tired, get home to check the e-mail before I lay it down, and I just said fuck it, let me hit up this pornotube, lol. A part of me was like damn nigga, you coulda been doin this the whole time and just lying to the people, but that’s not really my style, I like to keep it real with my niggas, and ya’ll my niggas, right?

So I tried to find somethin good, but I just kept clickin on bullshit, so I kinda closed my eyes, and clicked on anything. Personally, I like my porn with a plot, and in this one, there was a husband who wasn’t pleasing the wifey, and some buff young plumber comes over to ‘fix her pipes’, pretty much your typical plot, but it’d been a minute since i’d seen any porn, so who am I to complain? Its crazy because I had previously had a weak moment, and I was able to shake it, but not this time…a nigga went to work, for a full minute and thirty, but this shit was mucho excellente. It literally felt like the first time. One months worth of baby batter can have that kinda affect on a nigga. When I really thought about it though, like whenever I would’ve decided to kick the whole celibacy thing, I would’ve been dealin with an angry woman. A nigga’s nuts were literally seven pounds full of spoiled baby batter, just waitin to inflict cancer on an innocent woman…or coffee table, and who am I to leave a beautiful young lady with that irreparable damage?

 

I must admit, a nigga slept better than I have in a long time, woke up legs feelin weak, hit snooze on the alarm clock at least fifty eleven times © the Ying Yang Twins. But most importantly, a nigga felt happier, and I think that was part of the reason why I said just do it © Nike, a nigga had been dealing with some stress at the job lately, e-Harmony was startin to send threatening e-mails asking for their money, this cute chic I was kinda feelin ain’t want to kick it with a nigga no more, a nigga just got a $100 water bill…all the shit that could be goin wrong in a nigga’s life went wrong, and in those instances, nothin feels better than the temporary relief of a quick jack. Well, until you realize, damn, I just jacked…its really a somber moment to me, because it signifies yet another point/time in my life where I didn’t have a woman to lay up with to help me achieve this quick orgasm, lol….i’m a pro at the second round ladies, don’t sleep, all I need is an hour nap and a chocolate shake, and i’m wearin that ass out. But its just somethin about having a sexual experience, be it with yourself or the chic that waves you down on the corner as you pull into your apartment complex, that just makes you feel better. Like all of a sudden, I didn’t give a shit about none of those females that I hit with the ‘So we fuckin?’ message on myspace, and I stopped caring about all the chics who I texted to see if they would be my Valentine, that didn’t respond…and to those two who did, I ain’t celibate no more, so Keez got this dick for you, are you a freak? © The Notorious B.U.M. But I just feel happier now, so now I can start concentrating on the shit that matters to me most…convincing random women that i’m different from their ex, so its cool if she…loans a nigga some dough/co-signs a car for me/blames the pregnancy on her main nigga/lets a nigga stick the tip in with the fishnet condom.

 

For all you doubters who knew I wasn’t gonna be able to go four months…thank you, thank you for realizing that Keez ain’t shit, even when I thought that I was the shit, lol. Its this kinda faith that my readers have in me that allow me to make it through the day, bullshittin my life away. To the people I bet that I wouldn’t fail…imma keep lying to ya’ll ass until you hop online and read this shit, lol. I got a couple steak dinners and promises for some fellatio by the inches on April 16th if I make it, so i’m on this admit none, deny all shit, if anybody asks. A nigga has learned a lot though, like from now on, i’m gonna jack on special occasions, instead of making it a daily occurrence, sometimes its just better to savor certain moments to make the next time even better. But ladies, i’m back out here, onthestoop, locked and loaded, ready to go, just in time for Valentine’s Day. If I take one of ya’ll out on February 14th, please believe if the draws don’t voluntarily come down, I may have to initiate a lil Strong Arm Love to set the mood…and if all else fails, it’ll be me, myself and Jergens, lol.

 

And to think…I really told the homie Dre that this would be the biggest accomplishment in my life, in hindsight it is…on a difficulty scale one month abstaining from any sexual experiences > graduating from college, gettin rejected as much as I do at the club, dealing with 30 herpes outbreaks (not that I would know, lol), telling your main you received some troubling news at the clinic and finding out your nephew is really your son…combined, lol.

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3 Responses to These Are My Confessions (c) Usher

  1. Meezy says:

    Say it ain’t soooooooo!

  2. t.polite says:

    oh no! I was really cheering for you too 😦

  3. ms. cali says:

    me too! u shlda hit me up… i would have given you some text support to make it to month 5… lol

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