So I’m Rethinking This Whole Celibacy Thing

And I’ve been rethinkin it ever since New Years Day at midnight…in my drunken stooper, I realized that a) I didn’t jack the night before, so wtf? and b) this is the start of four months of this bullshit…damnit!

 

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The next day, I go to the gym, and realize that I’m five pounds heavier already…from walkin around with these heavy ass nuts. But I can’t really blame anybody but myself for trying to take on such a huge challenge, but I really, really wonder what I was thinkin. Talkin to a lot of my friends, they’ve been telling me that celibacy just means no sex, and jackin is cool, so if that’s the case, I’ve been celibate for longer than three months, so I guess I can claim victory now, lol. I mean, its been so long that I think I’ve finally perfected my stroke number © Katt Williams…its somewhere between 55 and 57, depending on the type of lotion. Its difficult, but I feel that if I stay focused on work and studying for this GRE, I’ll be good…I also have to stay away from some of my favorite websites, which include, but aren’t limited to pornotube.com, youporn.com, redtube.com, freaksonmyspace.com and last, but definitely not least onlinebootycall.com. I want to say that its possible, hell anything is possible © KG, but damn, I don’t really know any niggas who have gone a long time without jackin to use as a legitimate example, and even if I did…would I really believe em? Think about it…any nigga who ain’t been on a date in months, always chills at home when the homies try to get him to step out, yet claims he doesn’t jack…kinda hard to believe. I’d have to do one of those black light tests in his crib before I actually believed that. Like I said before, I have received handmade invitations to the pussy…from of many big and Teddy Ruxpin built broads, but I just had to check no and keep it moving. I value my seed so much that I’d rather release them on a towel I stole from the Hilton Suites than a fat chic.

 

I guess the whole celibacy thing wouldn’t be so hard if everywhere I go, I didn’t see sex, I log into onthestoop, and Dre just posted a softporn of Scarface getting it in, I mean, its hard enough to not type in pornotube into my address bar, but damn, lol…granted, a nigga’s mind stays in the gutter, so if she got that ass, I gotta look, sorry © Kanye, but I’m not 12 anymore, so I’m not gonna get a ‘stiffy’ off that, lol. Now, I’ll admit, a nigga did get drunk and reckless on NYE, and like I said, I was tryna strong arm somethin, but as the night went on, I felt my standards seeping lower and lower…almost on some Shallow Hal shit. A lot of ladies hit me up in the following days after NYE, which obviously means I gave them the number, and probably told them about the blog, lol. On some real, ever since I posted that, I’ve been gettin facebooked more often…I think females see a celibate nigga as a good thing, because he’ll really try to get to know them for them instead of them for the ass, which under normal conditions I do. Oh, i’m the nicest nigga a female could ever meet…til I GTD. After I GTD, bitch we ain’t goin to Applebee’s, its more like ‘What you want from Taco Bell, I’m on my way to your crib right now, I already got the condom on and draws around my ankles….butt naked with a chalupa,’.

 

But as I was out on NYE, I felt the thirst really set in, and then I was overcome by the reality of this being the last night til April 15th that I could release this baby batter…preferably into a regular sized condom instead of the normal ‘catch rag’, so a nigga was throwing bombs like Tom Brady, just shootin for a score. I saw a lot of cute females (for Charlotte) and I got cussed out somethin viscious as this girl who appeared to be half black/half reindeer walked by in a tight dress. Drunk, I stuck my pelvic area outwards so that me loins could toucheth that ass as she walked by. After feelin Johnson on booty, she hit me with the ‘Nigga, you think you slick, huh?’ At first, I hit her with the ‘What you talkin bout, Willis?’ She responds, ‘Nigga, you know what you just did’, so being the man that I am, I admitted mine, I told her that it was me, and I’d did it cuz it’d been a while since I touched the inside parts of a lady as fine as she was…we then drove to her crib, I gave her three minutes of unadulterated passion, and called a cab, cuz this broad was tryna cuddle up…then I woke up, lol. Real story was, I got the typical black female response of ‘Nigga, don’t you ever disrespect my body like that, my boyfriend will beat yo ass’. I told her ‘I know karate, and I will beat the hell outta yo nigga’, she then yelled for Pookie, and I got the hell up outta that room, lol.

 

Needless to say…I didn’t even get a chance to go into ‘Operation Strong Arm Love’, wherein, I’d find a decent looking girl who was slightly intoxicated, hypnotize her with lies and bullshit, and if that wasn’t enough, a slight elbow to the back of the neck, lol. I kinda had it all planned out in my head….as all niggas do. Little known fact is that nearly 97% of niggas who go out…actually believe in their heart of hearts that they’ll come home with something other than Leftina and some Jergens, lol. But yeah, I can never get that smooth operator part down, like what do these niggas who get the one night stands whisper into female’s ears? I mean, I tried ‘Babe, how much for the night?’, that didn’t work, ‘Bitch, I got a gun, come to the car!’, that didn’t work, and I even tried the flat out honesty ‘Its been a while, you think I can wash up in yo sink later on?’ and that didn’t work either. So niggas, tell me please, because on April 16th, I’m goin all out. Of course, I’ll begin the day with a celebratory jack to my fave, Miss Roxy Reynolds (O-State stand up). The reason for the jack is because when you have four months of baby batter built up, you’re asking for a pregnant chic, so I have to dilute that chance with some self medication, lol.

 

Right now, I’m lookin forward to April 16th because it’s the beginning of a new me, a stronger, more patient M.Keez, and I think that with this time span, I’ll be able to biologically erase the years of BDRs I received from ladies all over the globe, I’ll be like a virgin all over again, ready to rock some hoodrat’s world. Ladies, this is a limited time offer, I’m offering you the mere chance to take M.Keez revirginity for the price of $159.99. With that $159.99, you’ll get a trip to Ruth’s Chris, followed up by a night of passion at the Super 8, and a free bus pass…how can you beat that? If interested please hit us up at the onthestoop e-mail address, Keez takes Paypal only (Keez is used to dealing with broke females, so checks will not be accepted).

 

Lastly, Ladies, what’s the difference between me and a rapist? I’ll walk you to the car © Corey Holcomb.

 

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6 Responses to So I’m Rethinking This Whole Celibacy Thing

  1. KJ says:

    I thought the next subject was “how soon is too soon to raw dog”, caught you slippin keez LMAO jk…

  2. TFD says:

    You’re such a fool, but congratulations and good luck on the celibacy! It takes will power to abstain from any of life’s pleasures, but it certainly can be done. By the time April 16th rolls around you might even want to try it for another month. Who knows! Or if you don’t have any lined up for that next month…you can just say you were doing it for another month, lol.

    ~ Katelyn

  3. t.polite says:

    you never cease to amaze me and that warms my soul…

    I am willing to throw in 2 free movie tickets for that 159.99 package

    1. If you are willing to spend another hour and a half with her-count that as 4play

    and

    2. If she pays before April 1 so that I can claim them as a charitable contribution and get that good deduction on my taxes.

    Everyone wins:)

  4. dejean says:

    Celibacy is ok…I am practicing it now.. It can be difficult to maintain at times. The longest stretch I have done was 19 months… Swear about the 4th month you stop thinking about it. FYI masturbation stops being satisfying after several months…

  5. m.keez says:

    Lol…I don’t know about the masturbation part, but I guess I can see where you’re comin from. The biggest question is, are you practicing cuz u can’t get none or is it true celibacy? Part of my decision was that I didn’t want none from the females that were offering, lol

  6. dejean says:

    I practice celibacy at this point because I am not meeting men I want to share my body with. I date but nothing serious. I guess I am looking for that emotional connection before the physical connection. By the way, penis is very easy to get. I just dont want whats offered either.

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