I had to swagger jack Dre, cuz I thought his post was super dope…too bad I lost mine like 14 years after this nigga, and no sandwich bags were involved, lol…
I mean, I just start diggin females out in 2000, so I ain’t even been in the game for a decade, but I think if you count the amount of porn I consume, and my fetish for strip clubs, that makes me at least a 15 year veteran…I used to be embarrassed that a nigga turned in the V-Card a week before my 18th, but fuck it, we onthestoop, and ya’ll my niggas, and we keep it real here, right? Thought so.
Just to give you a back story, I was always that nigga in high school that when pussy came up in the convo, I immediately tried to change the conversation, cuz I knew niggas would be like ‘Keez, what that thang smell like?’ And i’d either have to lie about this imaginary broad in North Cak, who was light skinned, with wavy hair, and more ass than a reindeer (since we in the holiday spirit). Now, the dudes I grew up with weren’t smart enough to question me, but I hated to lie to these niggas, cuz they were my niggas…nigga, we traded food at lunch together, we hooped together, rode bikes together and all that shit, but the flip side was tellin them niggas what I was holdin…that big ass V-Card, and I wasn’t willing or able to take the jokes that came along with that…sorry. But i’d listen to their stories, and they advertised pussy like it was the newest pair of J’s…and I had to get me some. The question was who, what, where, when, why, how?
A nigga was super shy with the ladies in high school…can’t front yo, hell, maybe a bit on the lame side, but now, look at me, a salutatorian turned blog star…take that bitches, lol. But finally, this cute hoodrat that stayed around the corner was feelin a nigga, and I was feelin her back, so you know, we start hangin out, a nigga borrowed mama’s whip and took her to the local Applebee’s, and soon (like a week later) we became an item. I later found out that this chic was the damn neighborhood whore…but fuck it, lol. So we’d converse on the house phone, and when my mama wasn’t screamin “Keez, get yo got damn ass off the phone, i’m tryna order this pizza”…ole girl was talkin about sex. So once again, a nigga had to get his lie game on, told her I been fuckin since ’93 (which woulda made me like 11 (c) Dre, lol) so I was triple OG, and that once the ladies get this D, I can’t keep em off me. So she was like, ‘Oooh, let me try that’. Now, a nigga was super scurred, so whenever we’d be on some alone shit, I hit her with the, ‘Yeah, I don’t like to ride my bike on the late night, so I gotta go’…and i’d peddle away, dick on swole, scared of some pussy, lol. One day I was droppin her off in my mama Malibu, and she invited me in…we ain’t have school the next day, so it was cool. She tells me to have a seat in the dark in her living room, granted her mama is like Pentecostal, so she’s upstairs prayin loud as hell…you talk about an ackward moment. So i’m downstairs like, where is this bitch? So i’m lookin out the window, this broad taps me on the shouulder, and has on a damn towel then jumps on a nigga. The whole time in my head i’m thinkin…’I CANNOT BELIEEVVVEEE IT (c), I can’t believe this is happenin to a nigga, I thought I was gonna go to death with my V-Card. Of course a nigga wasn’t strapped, so she had to provide the condom, and i’m doin what I saw on HBO soft porn, strokin it out…all the while, her mama is upstairs praying loud as ever, and i’m thinkin, I am goin to hell with gasoline draws on…never happened tho…her sister walked in through the front door, drunkin laughin at a nigga, like ‘Oh, you thought you was gon get you some pussy, huh? Maaaamaaaaa’, needless to say, I bounced after that. As I drove home, I just thought damn, thats what all these niggas were braggin about…pussy ain’t shit, lol…that was only because a nigga didn’t get the chance to get his rocks off (at this point, a nigga never jacked, believe it or not, so I was damn near like a walkin monk).
The following weekend, ole girl invites me over to her auntie house…nobody’s at the crib, and she low key seduced me, same scenario, down the stairs bucky naked (c). This time we really got into it…but lookin down at her, I could tell she knew a nigga never washed down one of his dates with some pussy, she kinda gave me that, nigga WTF look, but I kept strokin away, and then I felt like this magical feelin that i’d never felt, it felt like an explosion…turned out, it was 17.9999 years of baby batter being released from me loins…yeah, me loins, lol. A nigga immediately fell asleep, with nuts stuck to my thigh like velcro…lookin forward to doin it again, and there ladies, was the birth of the myth, the man, the legend…Keez, lol.
With time, a nigga eventually started gettin better, alot better, I was literally strokin it out for hours at a time (the ladies in my past wouldn’t believe me if I had a hand on the Bible, lol), but one fateful night, this broad came through with Birth Control Pills on Deck, Mad Dog 20/20 on ice…so I told her, you can have whatever you likkkkkkkkkke, yeaaaaaah, lol. A nigga never put two and two together…birth control pill is like hoodrat language for raw dog. Nevermind the fact that Magic had announced he got thatnine years earlier, lol…a nigga obliged. Worst mistake of my sexual life. As soon as I got in that thang, the warmness and tightness overtook a nigga, and within 30 seconds, their was baby batter all over the back seat of her mama’s Yugo (couldn’t do it in the crib with all that prayin goin on, ya know). Thats the first time (and damn sure not the last time) I got that tragic look of disdain from a black woman after a quick session. Fellas, unless ya’ll Mr. Marcus, i’m sure you received that look before…Its kinda like a head shakin, I can’t believe I actually decided to let this nigga hit, and not my guaranteed dick kinda look. The story ended with me goin off to O-State, and after a few pregnancy accusations, dumping the broad, she gon try to accuse me of bein the baby daddy, but the blood test said otherwise, lol …THE END!
Be on the lookout for the next blog…how soon is too soon…to raw dog? Lastly, ladies remember, if a nigga always use a condom with you, that means he don’t trust you (c) Corey Holcomb.