Yo…in the spirit of the holidays, I had to do a post on my New Year’s resolutions…shit’s real.
My first resolution is to go three months without bustin a nut…kinda lewd, but true, lol. The reason being is that a nigga is tryna lose some weight, and sex/jackin makes a nigga mentally and physically weak, its scientifically proven that ejaculation=relaxation, and a nigga gets his relaxin on, on the daily, whether it be self induced or paid for. The average nigga might not be able to correlate, because he can wake up, bust one, and be fully energized for the rest of the day…not me. When I jack or beat,beat,beat,beat (c) Bobby V…I go’s extrahard, almost like its my last. When i’m settin up the crib for a nice session, I make sure the blinds are closed, the room is at the perfect temperature, porn is fast forwarded to my favorite part, the lotion is warm and my little brother’s bus ain’t comin for at least a half hour (tryna uphold this streak of never knowingly gettin caught jackin, lol). After that, a nigga is feelin nice, relaxed and full of the intention to workout the next day…shit never happens, yo. I wake up, and have a harder time gettin up than Wesley Snipes in a room full of black women. So with that being said, a nigga has decided to give up ejaculating at all costs until April 15th…Tax Day, easy enough for an accountant to remember, lol. Granted, a nigga might have more headaches, be extremely irritable on some male PMS type shit, but i’ll have more energy and lose alot of weight from walkin around with these heavy ass nuts…full of baby batter.
Trust, on New Year’s Eve, a nigga is throwin up Hail Mary’s tryna find a bustdown. Its less than a week out, and my goal is to wash up in some random chic’s sink, I don’t care if the rag is mildewed or not, i’m tryna bust and bounce…don’t call me unless you burnin or pregnant, cuz either way, i’m willing and able to dispute that in a court of law, or Maury, its your choice babe, lol. But goin back to the title of this post…I might have to strong arm a chic, which just means pourin a lil extra goose in her cup or wrestling around with her as I say, ‘You gon take this D, girl’…some females like that aggressive shit…remember, it ain’t rape unless she scratch or bite, if she does both, that means that she’s kinky and she feelin it, lol.
But the more serious reason for the sudden celibacy is that I think i’m reaching my mid 20’s crisis…i’m single, not really challenged with life, so sometimes you have to challenge yourself, and this might be the hardest thing i’ve ever done. I just really want to see if i’m strong enough mentally to abstain from sexual gratification. Now, for all my niggas out there, I will preface this by saying…if a bad chic offers the pussy, all bets are off, and that ass will get served, lol. Last thing you’ll hear me say when i’m pullin off that bar is, ‘Baby, this ain’t the right time…how about April 16th’. Speaking of which, i’ve just put the invitation to the microwave on Craigslist (ladies, I call my crib the microwave…cuz it only gets hot for a minute, but I can always warm you up, lol). I realize this is gonna be harder than Michael Jackson at a daycare, but I can do it…but until then, ladies, if you’re in the Charlotte area for New Years Eve, cute, at least b-cups, STD free, non-smelly snatch…and nipples, i’d like to personally invite you to the Microwave, e-mail a nigga, lol.
Onto some random shit….
Alot of fat women have been hittin me up, complaining about the post ‘Mami Threw It At Me Like Rice, But She Weighed Like Orlando Pace’…I want all you fat women to know that I love fat women, my favorite auntie is fat as hell, and can fry the hell outta some chicken. That being said, I just put my uncle onto pornotube.com, redtube.com and freaksonmyspace.com, cuz I know that nigga don’t enjoy hittin that, hell, sometimes you miscalculate the last stroke, and end up being stuck to a broad for at least 18 years…homies, I feel your pain, lol. I love fat women, but they got that ‘If I do it to you, then we go together’ mentality…nah, lol. You know, they be on some show up at a nigga’s job with a greasy ass White Castle bag, with half the chicken rings, thinkin thats some impressive shit, their are niggas who like big women, and they are usually hermits who can’t find none, so big girls, holla at them niggas. If you’re offended, stay offended…I don’t care about the opinions of women whose sinks i’ll never wash up in, lol.
Lastly, we’d like to personally thank our subscribers to the blog…keep spreading the word, because we plan on continuing the ignorance and recklessness. I figure with everything in the world so serious and bad, you need a place on the net for comedic relief…so keep coming back. Fellas, remember, the worst part about gettin an STD is tellin ya bitch (c) Corey Holcomb.