Mami Threw It At Me Like Rice….But She Weighed Like Orlando Pace

Yooooooo…its been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without a dope blog to step to © Phonte.


I want to apologize to all of my fellow stooperites, a nigga been mad busy…massa got a nigga workin around the clock like its 1803, sheesh. Just got back from the best city in the whole wide world….Chicago. I love the Chi man, shit is dope, Midwestern feel and it just says M. Key, and I ain’t even do any nigga shit out of fear of getting shot and/or jacked, so just imagine…Anyways, I wanted to take the time out today to address an issue that’s been affecting a nigga lately…fat girls.


Ladies, if you’re reading this, and you have an inkling that you may be fat…chances are, you’re fat…if you gotta think twice before putting on that one piece (as in, should I rock the t-shirt over it or not), you’re fat. No shame ladies…65% of black women are overweight and Monique’s big ass is signing up new members everyday, lol…The old adage goes…fat bitches need love too © Mike Epps. Shit might be true, but I just ain’t that nigga…anymore. Anymore because I can’t front man, in my School Daze, I probably hit 4,5,6 fat broads…it happens. Sometimes its cuz a nigga was suffering from a bad case of DDS and just needed to regain that much needed confidence, one time it was cuz one of the homies was hollering at a cute girl and the fat friend needed some TLC and another time, it was cuz I was bamboozled by a facebook pic, the chic traveled two hours for M.Keez, so I kinda felt obligated to serve her up…and kick her out.


Why am I writing about this now? Well, i’ll give you the short version….so a few weeks ago, a nigga had a Sunday off. I was bullshittin around on facebook early in the morning, hittin up random ass friends on the facebook messenger joint, and happened to come across this big chic I knew. Ole girl was hella cool and a nigga was hella thirsty on a Sunday mornin, so I had the porn on deck, and the facebook convo with ole girl. Somehow, we start talkin about the topic of sex, now me, with the perverted mind I have, used this conversation in a convoluted sort of way…I imagined this was a convo with ole girl in the porno, so a nigga was kinda gettin into it, not thinkin about ole girl being hella big. So we keep conversing, and she’s tryna get a nigga to come over, by this time, I had ‘got mine’, if u knamean, lol…so I wasn’t really on talkin freaky to a big girl anymore. Needless to say, she start texting a nigga, stuff like “Yeah, you need to come through…its wet for you”. If this chic wasn’t 5’3” and 250…shit might’ve turned a nigga on, but I just felt disgusted that I’d even got on this level with a female I would never have sex with…sober. Weeks continue to pass, the freaky text messages continue to come and every once in a while, the DDS will kick in somethin serious and it’d tell me stuff like ‘M.Keez, so what she’s big, nobody ever has to know’ and I’d really consider it like yeah man, you’re right, self (I later thought to myself, if I got this chic pregnant, she’d try to keep it, cuz i’m a good lookin nigga, lol). But then the magic of the ‘Jack Test’ proved to be a charm, as I jacked, and all those feelings of thirstiness left me in the night, like a freak after a one night stand, lol.


Eventually ole girl started to get belligerent about me coming through, because like i’ve always felt in my heart of hearts….a fat chic ain’t turning down nothing but her collar, and that includes some ‘D’, a burger, a Lane Bryant gift certificate, and an inhaler (cuz big broads can’t breathe), lol. With all of these belligerent requests, I didn’t want to seem like I was uninterested in her because she was a big girl, so I just kept making up bullshit about my sexual performance and the size of my ship, lol. She’d be like “Ooooh, its wet for you tonight”, and i’d be like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, cuz I ain’t had none in a while, so it might be over by the time I slip on the condom”, lol. She’d laugh, and say, “Quit playin and just come through”. One day she hit me up while I was at the gym and told me to come over after that, musty balls and all, she wanted some D that bad…I told her i’d come over, but I didn’t have any condoms. She responds, well, I have some over here…I ask, What kind? Of course this broad says ‘MAGNUMS’…whenever I hear the word MAGNUM out of the mouth of a chic, a nigga just starts to immediately get nervous, and shudder in my skin, MAGNUM is like kryptonite….to an average sized D, lol. So anyway, I told her that MAGNUMs are hip hop condoms for me…cuz they fit me baggy. Of course she hit me back with the LMAO, but to this day, she doesn’t realize how serious I was. Of course she kept requesting the D after that, because she found it comical that I kept clownin my own D so hard and she couldn’t believe that I could be as bad as I was sayin…then I told her, just ask my ex, and she laughed and wanted a nigga more…WTF? So finally, I had to breakdown and tell her that I’d never done a big girl (lying my ass off, lol) and I told her that I was nervous cuz I just had surgery on my pelvis, and I didn’t know if she could Reverse Cowgirl me. So she goes into this long spill about how doin a big girl is no different than a regular sized girl and to that….bullshit I say, lol. Keep in mind that this girl was sayin shit like “Yeah, I need you to give me an orgasm, blah, blah, blah”. I’m like, uhh, that’s a lot of pressure to put on a minute man, lol. Seriously, i’m not tryna put that work in for a big girl. A BDR from a big girl is like gettin a F at Sunday School…yeah you failed, but it doesn’t go on your permanent record, lol…like who is she gon tell, a cute chic? That’s when I’d hit the chic like, come on now, do you think I’d really, hit that? Look at me, I’m only 5’3” with Timbs, I can’t handle all that, lol.


Now, in past blogs, I’ve always respected a female who gave it up the first night, the ones who were aggressive, and the ones who knew what they wanted, and I still do. But in the words of the late, great Tupac, “I don’t want it if its that easy”. Ladies, if you wave the pussy in a nigga’s face, and he doesn’t accept, maybe he just doesn’t want your ass…I know rejection is tough and what not, but deal with it.


Lastly, I leave ya’ll with this…ladies, if you’re complaining about contracting an incurable STD, i.e. that herp…kill yoself, at least you won’t have to deal with it anymore, lol.


4 Responses to Mami Threw It At Me Like Rice….But She Weighed Like Orlando Pace

  1. TFD says:

    Classic foolishness. LOL.

  2. Joe says:

    taking one for the team…that’s how it is! lol.

  3. t.polite says:

    “and an inhaler (cuz big broads can’t breathe); I was nervous cuz I just had surgery on my pelvis”-I now officially hate you…LMAO

  4. Rayshawn says:

    Sometimes you have to lower your standards to increase your average! LOL

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